Monday, September 22, 2014

My Fear Factor

My fear factor is "how will I age"!  My dream for aging is to be fun, mentally sharp, and engaged in life! I'm fearful that I will age like my Mother.  Please don't misunderstand me, I LOVE my Mother, but I'm so afraid of how she's aged and that it will be my destiny.  I've been thinking about it alot since I've retired and more pressure is being placed on me to visit more and call more.  I am happy that I have my Mother (she's 88), and that I can talk to her, the thing that bothers me that these needs are delivered and clothed in guilt. I'm made to feel less than a good daughter and that I don't do enough, but I know that it will NEVER be enough. I've joked for years that my epitaph on my tombstone will be "She tried, but it was never enough!" I am NOT looking for sympathy, for I am very lucky in life, but I wan tto put my thoughts, today, in writing, so that I can read them back to myself and not forget! 

So to my boys here is want I want in my old age: 
  1. I do not want to DEPEND on my children for my social life.  I will use social media. activities, and clubs or goups to keep me connected with loved ones and friends and engaged in life. You have your own lives to live, independent of me.
  2. I do not want my children to be care givers for me.  Yes, put me in a facility, if necessary, but be an advocate for my care and well being (make sure they have Wi-Fi and I have a working device)! Don't worry if I don't like it, I probably won't, but deep in my heart I know you have a life to live; that's what I've wanted for you since the day you were born! 
  3. Call me when you want to connect, which I hope is because you love me and miss me or you are excited to share your life with me. Don't call out of a sense of duty or guilt.  Facetime or Skype is awesome and I promise I will call you also, and not just sit and wait on you to initiate contact. 
  4. I don't expect you to read my mind or just "know" what I need.  I know you are not physic, I will let you know what I need! It's MY responsibility, not yours.
  5. Know that some days will be dark, that's just life. Don't hold it against me or let it ruin your day.  I love you!

Friday, September 12, 2014

Time Passes Quickly

Wedding Quilt
Wow, it's already the middle of September and today there is a hint of Fall in the air.  It's difficult to believe that I've been retired 5 weeks already. I haven't been very productive, or at least not as much as I had hoped.  The good thing is that I only have to live up to MY expectations and I can increase or decrease those on a whim. So what is going on in my life?  I finished the wedding quilt for my sister-in-law.  I was disappointed that it turned out much smaller than I had hoped, but I do love the quilt.  It's bright, fun and meaningful.  In the corners it has embroidered "love", "faith", "hope" and "joy".
Dr. Steven & Robyn Murray
Robyn and Steven's intimate wedding was beautiful. It was held at the Pillow Thompson House in Helena, one of the Victorian houses preserved in all it's glory. I wish Robyn and Steven a lifetime of happiness and joy.

Of course all things in life are not joyful.  Butch lost his oldest and dearest friend, George Collins, on Monday.  In August, his high school had a all class reunion and George was able to attend.  Back in the day five friends had a band called The Gallows.  Fortunately, all the living members were in attendance.  From all accounts it was a wonderful reunion and everyone was so grateful that George was able to be there, perform and swap stories with longtime friends!

The Gallows - l to r Danny Cargile, Nicky Nichols,
Butch Scaife, George Collins